Carolyn Hax: Why do we tip business owners on top of what they charge?

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I find myself feeling really annoyed at people who are in a private business who request tips on top of services for which they already receive the full, immediate and ample payment. This is happening now with some house cleaners. They stated a certain amount for the job. Then when I went to pay online there was a long list of tipping options from 5 percent to 30 percent or none.

Of course, I feel terrible checking the “none” box. But it will not let you go on to paying until you have checked something. I checked none. Am I terrible? These two women work together and keep all the profits and are well paid. Once upon a time, tipping was for people who were employees and being paid a base rate. Like waitpersons, for example. Or people who do nails. I tip generously in those situations.

I am not sure why this bothers me so much. Perhaps it is because for many years I worked as a therapist and I never would expect a tip on top of my rate. If a carpenter or electrician comes to my house and fixes something I just pay their stated rate. Just like the house cleaners, they are making good money as owners of their businesses.

I never tip the doctor or chiropractor after my visit. I had a friend who was a massage therapist who had her own business and did not take tips. But recently I went for a massage, and she (the sole owner) expected a tip in addition to her already ample price. Gosh, this just really annoys me. Am I living in the past? Should I just get with it?

— Tipping Point

Tipping Point: General answer is either tip or own your “none.” I cannot really help you with the changing-world thing. The tip screen could just come with the off-the-shelf payment software. To bypass the guilt mechanism, frame it as deciding how much you are willing to spend not to feel cheap, starting with $0 and working your way up.

Specifically, though, reading between the lines, people inviting tips provide in-person services of the sort that got shut down by the coronavirus, are cuttable from family budgets, are not cost-buffered by insurance, and are fully exposed to another global shock. Doctors and electricians kept working, after all, but house cleaners and massage therapists did not. The latter cannot raise prices much without driving off customers.

They may still be feeling that income loss. So if you are able to leave a tip, then seeing it as a good deed and, selfishly, a way to keep these businesses open and available to you, might temper your resentment a bit.

Re: Tips: Why not just tell Tipping Point they are a cheapskate in actual words and be done with it?

— Seriously?

Seriously?: Because that is not what I said. TP wants to leave zero tip but feels bad about it. Therefore, TP has only two choices: 1. Feel bad. 2. Leave tip. So the math is, how much is TP willing to spend not to feel bad? __ 0% __ 5% __ 10% __ 15% __ 20% __ 25% __ 30%. Whether TP “should” feel bad, and I happen not to think so, is beside the point.

Re: Tipping: I understand why TP is annoyed, but maybe the cleaning women are reluctant to raise their base rate. You could pretend they quoted you the rate plus 5 percent and pay them that.

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